As I look back at the events and the pace at which my emotions and feelings towards God have changed, I notice one central theme. I found that no matter who God was, I always knew what he was not. He was not an idol, he was not a picture and he did not demand anything. Yes, he did not even demand respect. He did not wish for shrines and temples to be built in his name and he also did not expect people to worship him. Great... then why was he even there? What did he want? Does he still want the same?
A little while ago, I thought that I should better be agnostic and not bother myself with the God debate. However, God is such an important and inseparable part of life that it becomes fairly difficult to avoid him. When I was more religious, I was completely baffled by the enormous display of grandiose that happens in the name of God. When I was more spiritual, I thought that religion and spirituality, though different, are quite inseparable in the beginning. When I turned towards an atheist state of mind, I thought that God doesn't exist. Simple as that. I thought that God is imaginary. However, at the very same moment, I was also thinking how an imaginary entity could be so powerful that he becomes the ultimate saviour of thousands of people. Now, I have more agnostic thoughts and I still believe that there is something that we do not know about but I am not quite ready to know about it, not yet.
It is quite possible that there is a God. However, I think that he is nowhere close to what we believe him to be. He may not be messiah, he may not adorn his body in silken robes and gems and he may also not worry about us. Think about it. Do we worry about a tiny ant that lives somewhere close to our house. Of course, there are many of them but they are so tiny that they are completely irrelevant to the human unless he is being harmed. In a universe which is as huge as we know it, we are just a tiny dot in space. Will God ever bother to look at us? Are we really his favourite creatures? Does he really keep a check on what we all are doing and where life takes us? Does he care if we die? Considering the fact that the world is becoming an increasingly difficult place to live in and humans are turning worse than savages, will God really turn his back towards us and think about creating a new world?
I do not know the answers to these questions. I might never come to know during my lifetime. Our generations would live on this planet, destroy it and die and God would not have even blinked his eyes. This is not pessimistic at all. Some people might feel offended with this post but i believe that everyone has the right to his own God and this also means that we have the right to question God, whether about us or about him. Maybe, God is her and not him. Maybe he does not even have a gender. Maybe, his form is not human. It could be an animal, an insect or a bird. It could even be the black white dwarf stars in the sky, it could be the sun, the rains, the forests.... it could be anything and we will never know unless we start asking questions about it. Of course, there is no one who can answer our questions but we may at least move on and find a better understanding of God. We may not think of him as a messiah but as a friend, as a guide. We may believe that he also comes with virtues and flaws.
I have deep faith in God, yes. No matter what I thought about his existence, he was always a central theme in my life. The only issues was that I could not really associate my idea of God with the typical mascots or interpretations that were available to me. I could not justify that my God hates those who do not believe in him and loves those who perform rituals and give him offerings because they are scared of him. Well, there were many many thoughts that made me question the existence of God and I firmly believe that you should read them, question those thoughts and then find your own interpretations without creating a fuss about it. Trust me, if I was God, I would have wanted the same.